For Anyone Who Has Loved a City

Sometimes, sudden shocks of nostalgia overtake my entire body. It happened so slowly but surely; very similar to how one familiarizes themselves with every mark on a lover's skin and all the quirks they can't even see in themselves. I will never forget the feeling that washed over me the first time I walked on the Longfellow Bridge. I was 18. Dan and I had gotten sushi in Somerville (I wonder if that place, my favorite sushi place in MA is still there) and then decided to walk for a while instead of hopping on the T.

We knew if we walked straight down Mass Ave we'd hit Harvard, then Central Squares..When we got to Harvard Square we stopped in a park at the gardens. We got a little bit stoned...it was one of those crisp, clear, cool, autumn days where physical sensations abound; the sun warming your skin- immediately followed by a light breeze playfully chasing it. I remember watching squirrels and tourists, laughing at the hurried antics of both..feeling the blades of rich green grass between my toes and admiring the brilliant autumn hues New England is known for. The trees were showing off as a peacock would that day.. oh the colors!!

We walked to Central Square, where there were mobs of people filling the sidewalk. It looked literally ready to burst at the seams as people were multiplying exponentially onto the street. There was a subway fire underground, the T wouldn't be working for a few hours. Ahhhh Boston and the good ol' T. One day it's 20 minutes late, the next it's 10 minutes early and goes express, the next day there is a fire and it's out of order.
As soon as we realized we'd have to walk or take a cab we suddenly got giddy with excitement. We hadn't been ready for our day to end. I'd never walked further than Central Square.

...Before we knew it (time passes too fast with good company) we'd arrived at The Bridge. I'd never walked it, only taken the train that uses it as a shortcut to Cambridge. We stopped dead in our tracks when we reached the middle.
Behind us was Cambridge, in all its bustling, yet quaint splendor. In front of us was the Boston skyline. To either side was the river; sailboats dotted the water that looked bluer even than the azure autumn sky.
I stood there transfixed for a good 20 minutes. Turning around from time to time, I took it all in- it is a view I can still conjure up as clearly as I saw it that day. The marijuana's effects had faded to almost nothing, all that remained was the bone-deep calm that follows a good joint and a good walk in good company. The calm allowed for the beauty to sink in heavier than any sensation I'd felt before. When we resumed our journey home I felt changed.
I knew that I'd fallen in love.

A Thought

The idea of my mind being clouded with something contemptuous as regret is a scary one indeed. I've always been of the opinion that it's best to learn from the mistakes one makes in life- to examine well enough which thought processes were faulty as to make them recognizable for what they truly are in the future. By doing this, we (specifically people who forgo logic in favor of a certain gut feeling, instinct, emotions, etc...) will hopefully have some sort of tangible, known effect for a cause- ingrained in our psyche that will make the decision-making process easier in the unlikely event that an identical situation will present itself in the future. Regret used to seem like a weak emotion; precisely the kind of emotion I wanted to rid myself of as I got older and wiser.

Regret has become a four-letter word in this day and age, especially among the free-spirits of my generation. What I've recently learned is that you absolutely can't learn without it. If you are one who needs to experience things for yourself to learn anything from the process, you, specifically are the one who needs regret and coincidentally are probably the type to shun it as something pansies and old people feel.

The fact is that no two situations (even in one person's life) are ever the same. The people involved, the places, and the emotions that manipulate events are fluid and most often unforeseeable. If A + B = C three years ago, and now this looks like an A and that looks like a B, logic would tell you they'd make a C. That's simply not so. There are countless other factors that can come into play. Furthermore, what looks like an A may even be a B in disguise. I've found this is often the case when dealing with people. People change. Their desires, interests, and motivations are generally not concrete- ever.

What I'm really concerned with is how long it took me to realize this. To learn that regret is not something to fear, belittle, or be ashamed of. It's not something to deny yourself, unless you don't mind having the brain of a 16 year old for the rest of your life. Obviously, when you're dealing with things regarding logic and day-to-day life regret takes a back seat to common sense and memory. You don't need to seriously REGRET taking a wrong turn to get to your new job-causing you to get lost. Memory and written directions will suffice. However- when dealing with people, their emotions, and your own it's unparalleled by any other way of growing wiser. When I think about my regrets- and I have many- the situations aren't what stand out. The emotions that drove my actions, the actions I took, and the effect they had on my life or on those around me (and oftentimes, both) are what stand out. By regretting times I acted selfishly, or even like a doormat, I've been quite literally forced to realize how truly awful acting that way has made me felt. So bad that it remains in my memory years later. Maybe I don't remember the specific situation (as I would, if I thought of things as A+B=C) but I do remember that acting in that manner sure was regrettable.

The most important thing I've realized is that human beings feel regret for a reason and it shouldn't be ignored. When you hurt somebody you love and you feel regret it's foolish to just chalk it all up to experience and "not do it again". The exact same words or events may not even hurt the same person twice. It's our motives, the driving force behind our actions, and our disregard for others' feelings (whatever they may be at the time) that generally hurt others. Not the actions themselves- which are what commonly take the blame. By feeling low enough in your prior convictions, that you can feel regret, you will be sure to never do 'it' again-whatever it may be.

I have regrets about things I haven't expressed to a single soul. These are the things that haunt me from time to time and probably haunt everyone else too. They are the number one reason I strive to be a better person, and I haven't made any of those mistakes twice. As for living at peace with them, that's a whole 'nother story.