Sunday, January 31, 2010

EVERY time I'm drunk I kind of just want to be drunk forever.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Bad Day

phantom limb
you follow me everywhere i go
you've been missing for years
but we act like we don't know

a voice on the phone
a dream in the day
an itch in my throat
it won't go away

phantom limb
where did i leave you behind?
it was years ago
the question is why

i don't wanna grow older
i don't wanna grow wise
i don’t wanna walk this road without you
look me in the eyes

phantom limb
tell me you’ll come back
with a life of your own
together we will grow

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

A Thought

The idea of my mind being clouded with something contemptuous as regret is a scary one indeed. I've always been of the opinion that it's best to learn from the mistakes one makes in life- to examine well enough which thought processes were faulty as to make them recognizable for what they truly are in the future. By doing this, we (specifically people who forgo logic in favor of a certain gut feeling, instinct, emotions, etc...) will hopefully have some sort of tangible, known effect for a cause- ingrained in our psyche that will make the decision-making process easier in the unlikely event that an identical situation will present itself in the future. Regret used to seem like a weak emotion; precisely the kind of emotion I wanted to rid myself of as I got older and wiser.

Regret has become a four-letter word in this day and age, especially among the free-spirits of my generation. What I've recently learned is that you absolutely can't learn without it. If you are one who needs to experience things for yourself to learn anything from the process, you, specifically are the one who needs regret and coincidentally are probably the type to shun it as something pansies and old people feel.

The fact is that no two situations (even in one person's life) are ever the same. The people involved, the places, and the emotions that manipulate events are fluid and most often unforeseeable. If A + B = C three years ago, and now this looks like an A and that looks like a B, logic would tell you they'd make a C. That's simply not so. There are countless other factors that can come into play. Furthermore, what looks like an A may even be a B in disguise. I've found this is often the case when dealing with people. People change. Their desires, interests, and motivations are generally not concrete- ever.

What I'm really concerned with is how long it took me to realize this. To learn that regret is not something to fear, belittle, or be ashamed of. It's not something to deny yourself, unless you don't mind having the brain of a 16 year old for the rest of your life. Obviously, when you're dealing with things regarding logic and day-to-day life regret takes a back seat to common sense and memory. You don't need to seriously REGRET taking a wrong turn to get to your new job-causing you to get lost. Memory and written directions will suffice. However- when dealing with people, their emotions, and your own it's unparalleled by any other way of growing wiser. When I think about my regrets- and I have many- the situations aren't what stand out. The emotions that drove my actions, the actions I took, and the effect they had on my life or on those around me (and oftentimes, both) are what stand out. By regretting times I acted selfishly, or even like a doormat, I've been quite literally forced to realize how truly awful acting that way has made me felt. So bad that it remains in my memory years later. Maybe I don't remember the specific situation (as I would, if I thought of things as A+B=C) but I do remember that acting in that manner sure was regrettable.

The most important thing I've realized is that human beings feel regret for a reason and it shouldn't be ignored. When you hurt somebody you love and you feel regret it's foolish to just chalk it all up to experience and "not do it again". The exact same words or events may not even hurt the same person twice. It's our motives, the driving force behind our actions, and our disregard for others' feelings (whatever they may be at the time) that generally hurt others. Not the actions themselves- which are what commonly take the blame. By feeling low enough in your prior convictions, that you can feel regret, you will be sure to never do 'it' again-whatever it may be.

I have regrets about things I haven't expressed to a single soul. These are the things that haunt me from time to time and probably haunt everyone else too. They are the number one reason I strive to be a better person, and I haven't made any of those mistakes twice. As for living at peace with them, that's a whole 'nother story.