I think...

...that my outsides match my insides.
At one point insecurity overwhelmed me, I didn't see my worth.
As I've grown and recognized the beauty within me, within everybody, among the trees, the sky, every ELEMENT bigger than I-
I have too, grown more beautiful.
As I've slowly learned to let go of bitterness, of negativity, of judgment, my life has become enriched.
And this shows.

I am not perfect, on the inside nor on the outside.
But I AM by and large a good, strong woman and my appearance matches this.
I much prefer this to being a "perfect 10" with nothing to back it up, to back ME up.
In imperfection lies beauty.
For 2011- improve, assist, learn, grow, and love cautiously yet fearlessly.

Dichotomy

I burn to be consumed, I ache to be exhumed
Inside I hold the sunrise you've coaxed out of me too soon
The push and pull is too much for my w(e)ary head to weather
My thirst- to be free as the breeze, My hunger- a sturdy tether

A Poem, I Guess

If you need to be a free bird I don't want to clip your wings
You can fly around the Earth, come back and tell me real things
I may do the same as you but take a different route
To ensure our tales will never leave us feeling we've been cooped

For Anyone Who Has Loved a City

Sometimes, sudden shocks of nostalgia overtake my entire body. It happened so slowly but surely; very similar to how one familiarizes themselves with every mark on a lover's skin and all the quirks they can't even see in themselves. I will never forget the feeling that washed over me the first time I walked on the Longfellow Bridge. I was 18. Dan and I had gotten sushi in Somerville (I wonder if that place, my favorite sushi place in MA is still there) and then decided to walk for a while instead of hopping on the T.

We knew if we walked straight down Mass Ave we'd hit Harvard, then Central Squares..When we got to Harvard Square we stopped in a park at the gardens. We got a little bit stoned...it was one of those crisp, clear, cool, autumn days where physical sensations abound; the sun warming your skin- immediately followed by a light breeze playfully chasing it. I remember watching squirrels and tourists, laughing at the hurried antics of both..feeling the blades of rich green grass between my toes and admiring the brilliant autumn hues New England is known for. The trees were showing off as a peacock would that day.. oh the colors!!

We walked to Central Square, where there were mobs of people filling the sidewalk. It looked literally ready to burst at the seams as people were multiplying exponentially onto the street. There was a subway fire underground, the T wouldn't be working for a few hours. Ahhhh Boston and the good ol' T. One day it's 20 minutes late, the next it's 10 minutes early and goes express, the next day there is a fire and it's out of order.
As soon as we realized we'd have to walk or take a cab we suddenly got giddy with excitement. We hadn't been ready for our day to end. I'd never walked further than Central Square.

...Before we knew it (time passes too fast with good company) we'd arrived at The Bridge. I'd never walked it, only taken the train that uses it as a shortcut to Cambridge. We stopped dead in our tracks when we reached the middle.
Behind us was Cambridge, in all its bustling, yet quaint splendor. In front of us was the Boston skyline. To either side was the river; sailboats dotted the water that looked bluer even than the azure autumn sky.
I stood there transfixed for a good 20 minutes. Turning around from time to time, I took it all in- it is a view I can still conjure up as clearly as I saw it that day. The marijuana's effects had faded to almost nothing, all that remained was the bone-deep calm that follows a good joint and a good walk in good company. The calm allowed for the beauty to sink in heavier than any sensation I'd felt before. When we resumed our journey home I felt changed.
I knew that I'd fallen in love.

This Season...

autumn chill i crave the ember of a glowing cigarette
coffee- black, and some leaves to crunch through
hair to match the drink that warms my hand
and straightens out its own bends, so unlike me

a mass of people so colossal there are no faces
or features to distinguish beautiful from ugly
the energy emitted surrounds them in a cloud
only i can feel.

bridges may break, they always burn
when kept to my watchful eyes
with one false step the structure sways
the lows offset the highs

If The World's At Large Why Should I Remain?

The song "World at Large" by Modest Mouse is one of the most fitting descriptions of my inner workings I've ever heard / read. I wish I wrote it. It does make me feel better to know I'm not the only one who feels the way the song describes.

"I like songs about drifters, books about the same, they both seem to make me feel a little less insane" ha, see?!

It's almost akin to the feeling I would get when I was 17; reading Kerouac and wondering why his books didn't seem to resonate so clearly with most of the people I know.

I'm unsure of what it is I'm looking for, and I wonder if I've already missed it. If it was comfort, love, and stability I sure as hell passed it up in favor of the unknown. The prospect of adventure, however small-scale it may be is way more appealing.

I don't feel as if I inadvertently left a near-perfect life behind. The contrary; I've felt better overall since leaving what I did.

Slowly, the realization has hit me; it comes down to people vs. places vs. things.

What to do when every piece of the puzzle fits perfectly, the puzzle's almost totally complete- save for one missing piece. And you know exactly where the piece is but to retrieve it you'd have to forget about the rest of the puzzle. Is that one piece more valuable than the junction of all the rest?
I honestly don't know, I can't decide. I could spend an entire lifetime undecided.

Is this what growing older is supposed to be like?

I'm With Conor.

"I believe that lovers should be tied together
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather
Left there to drown
Left there to drown in their innocence"

Good Things

-being surrounded by upbeat, positive people
-my kitties
-living in a temperate climate ( while this summer has hardly been summery, 70 degrees & overcast is still, in my opinion, better than blizzards or 95 degree weather with 85 percent humidity. Also, I can't complain after all of Feb, March & April's beach days...)
-good bands, good shows
-stand up comedy
-new tattoos
-a laid-back job
-living in possibly my favorite neighborhood/community of anywhere, ever
-relaxing with my guitar
-freshly dyed black hair
_____________________________________________________________________________

A lot of copying, a little inspiration

Part of growing older is learning to forget
Part of moving forward is paying off your debts
I moved to where the sun sets, lays its head to rest
Neither one to blame here, I'll always second guess

Jealousy makes even the most beautiful of faces ugly.

train of thought..

There are some people who've made such a tremendous impact on my thoughts; and thus my life without the slightest inkling of awareness. Some family, some friends, some acquaintances, and even some almost-strangers.

To explain...I feel as if one of the most integral components of my nature is my endless daydreaming. My racing and wandering mind. My never-ending trains of thought. How I need to mull things over and make complete sense of them before being able to truly discard them or come to terms with them. I've gathered lessons from the aforementioned people- without even realizing it. Subconsciously I've observed how people get to where they are, and somehow locked it away in my mind to help me choose a vague path for myself.

Does this just mean I'm growing up? Perhaps.

Also, not sure if this even makes sense to anyone but myself. It doesn't really matter. I'm just pleased with myself for.. well.. showing some uncharacteristic discipline in a few different arenas of my life as of late. And there are so many different faces to thank. People I've met who have shown me everything they have that I don't want. People who have wanted to see more places than their own home state so they left. Those who've stepped out of their comfort zone to find that perhaps a different, formerly uncomfortable lifestyle happens to be a better fit.

I have yet to visit Montana. Hopefully I'll get there before all the glaciers melt...

Somewhat recently I've even met some people who've taken any fear out of The Future. It's not as if I've ever been a worrywart about things; I tend to think "what's the worst that can happen?" regardless. But these people have shown me that there truly isn't much to fear, and even some peoples' "worst" can be great fun.

hm

It's crazy to think that if I'd made different choices I'd be about to graduate college right now! Which theoretical college, with which degree, and in which state are all variables depending on which decisions I'd made differently.
Overall, I've been very happy with my life for a few years and so that is something I am DONE regretting.

This Week Ruled!

Monday: Schitzophonics + Rock Paper Tiger show and Street Fighter II all night
Tuesday: Aced my Archaeology exam, Elluvium show with awesome people
Wednesday: A very FUN Cinco de Drinko
Thursday: Spanish test I was stressing about will be a take-home, and Physical Anthro cancelled a test. THEN watched Eastbound and Down and Natural Born Killers & drank champagne.. This is exciting when you don't have cable!
Friday: got 3 zombie movies in the mail. have a bottle of white wine in the fridge. WHAT MORE CAN A GIRL WANT!?

love is like a scar
it fades away.

in the key of C

In this world of work and hangovers
Where will your golden hand lay its touch?
In this world of work and hangovers
Where will your golden hand lay its touch?
The city lights tonight
The city nights, the light
Provide me with the feeling
The roots to be strong
What about when they go out
For me you've all burnt out
And the day can't repay this debt in your name
I should've known... I should've known... I should've known
You'd be leaving soon

edited:

We were twins once, one short one tall
"Come and see my sister from another mister yall"
"Lookit her face, isn't she a dawll?"
We were twins once, one short one tall

We ran the show, yes we did yes we did
You couldn't tell us what to do
We ran the show, whiskey and gin whiskey and gin
Told us what to do not you

I had a sister once, she kept me on my toes
A jug in hand, a sneer in place
Smoke comin out her nose
I had a sister once, she kept me on my toes

She grew tired, I got hurt
She grew angry, my anger's worse!

I think ya know how this story goes
I had a twin once
I had a sister once
She kept me on my toes
I had a twin once, one of us had to go...

truth

And all the things that make you sad
Give me hope
Everything that makes you sick
Helps me cope
I love you so, my bones still ache
They resonate
My bones still ache
They resonate

I've been craving solitude every single day
"Soon enough spring will come" you all gently say
As if I've never felt sun and its healing rays
The instrument she lent- I'll imagine its curves
Round and full like hers
Like the lump in my throat
Choking out the only words I can think to say that won't betray
What we both know-
A name with no face is easier to blame than the idea of a willingness to change
I won't stray again, last night was like coming home
But the lights were all out

Been feeling inspired musically as of late.
Just wrote a couple of songs lyrically/musically and one more is in progress.
The words began and then got cut off and I don't understand why. They're there, but they're taking their time revealing themselves to me. It's frustrating.

Uninspired in all other arenas.
We may be moving to OB next month! Totally hoping that happens.
This blog is lame. I failed to turn it into what I intended. Typical of me!

Mimosas vs. coffee. Mimosas win. They always do...
Well at least on a Friday they do :)

Want: road trip, camping. Preferably desert camping.

Great Things

in no particular order...

-the Pacific
-70 degree weather
-Spring Break
-acing my Archaeology midterm
-beer
-happy hour
-cute boys
-cute boys who look like Jesus
-cute boys with tattoos
-yoga
-Trader Joe's carrot ginger and/or butternut squash soup
-baked marinated tofu
-hiking
-beach days
-the beautiful view I'm treated to every day living here
-mexican food
-naps
-kitties
-the Black Keys


totally diggin' life right now.

3/10

Your grip won't leave
My thoughts can't turn to anything
Innocent
With or without (you) I forget
Where I end, where you begin
Let the distance that keeps us apart
Separate our codependent hearts
I travel alone
I sleep alone
I drink alone
Hoping to learn myself

Your grip won't release
My thoughts aren't lonely
With or without (you) it's the same
As real as ever
As absent as always

A clear vision of your face
Threatens casually, lest I forget
There won't soon be another.

Wonderful!

I just found something I wrote 4 years ago

You gotta have no shame
To live a life like this
The most robust vessel imaginable
Where plans won't suffice
Everything's a game, don't say it's cleverly orchestrated
You're 18 years old and machines will be pointing fingers and laughing
When you've fallen off your well oiled tracks.

Effulgence

Effulgence is MerriamWebster.com's word of the day today. I love it. It means "radiant splendor : brilliance"

'As the rain forms puddles the once-dry pavement startles with its slick effulgence.'

ehhh, I gave it the college try!

Things are going well. I still haven't started searching for a job. I'm waiting on a museum internship I really want, and I'd prefer to get that schedule figured out (if it even happens) before applying for jobs.
I've been feeling soooo much better emotionally since going off birth control. Crazy what a little pill can do to your state of mind!
Well, this post is a bust.

EVERY time I'm drunk I kind of just want to be drunk forever.

Bad Day

phantom limb
you follow me everywhere i go
you've been missing for years
but we act like we don't know

a voice on the phone
a dream in the day
an itch in my throat
it won't go away

phantom limb
where did i leave you behind?
it was years ago
the question is why

i don't wanna grow older
i don't wanna grow wise
i don’t wanna walk this road without you
look me in the eyes

phantom limb
tell me you’ll come back
with a life of your own
together we will grow

A Thought

The idea of my mind being clouded with something contemptuous as regret is a scary one indeed. I've always been of the opinion that it's best to learn from the mistakes one makes in life- to examine well enough which thought processes were faulty as to make them recognizable for what they truly are in the future. By doing this, we (specifically people who forgo logic in favor of a certain gut feeling, instinct, emotions, etc...) will hopefully have some sort of tangible, known effect for a cause- ingrained in our psyche that will make the decision-making process easier in the unlikely event that an identical situation will present itself in the future. Regret used to seem like a weak emotion; precisely the kind of emotion I wanted to rid myself of as I got older and wiser.

Regret has become a four-letter word in this day and age, especially among the free-spirits of my generation. What I've recently learned is that you absolutely can't learn without it. If you are one who needs to experience things for yourself to learn anything from the process, you, specifically are the one who needs regret and coincidentally are probably the type to shun it as something pansies and old people feel.

The fact is that no two situations (even in one person's life) are ever the same. The people involved, the places, and the emotions that manipulate events are fluid and most often unforeseeable. If A + B = C three years ago, and now this looks like an A and that looks like a B, logic would tell you they'd make a C. That's simply not so. There are countless other factors that can come into play. Furthermore, what looks like an A may even be a B in disguise. I've found this is often the case when dealing with people. People change. Their desires, interests, and motivations are generally not concrete- ever.

What I'm really concerned with is how long it took me to realize this. To learn that regret is not something to fear, belittle, or be ashamed of. It's not something to deny yourself, unless you don't mind having the brain of a 16 year old for the rest of your life. Obviously, when you're dealing with things regarding logic and day-to-day life regret takes a back seat to common sense and memory. You don't need to seriously REGRET taking a wrong turn to get to your new job-causing you to get lost. Memory and written directions will suffice. However- when dealing with people, their emotions, and your own it's unparalleled by any other way of growing wiser. When I think about my regrets- and I have many- the situations aren't what stand out. The emotions that drove my actions, the actions I took, and the effect they had on my life or on those around me (and oftentimes, both) are what stand out. By regretting times I acted selfishly, or even like a doormat, I've been quite literally forced to realize how truly awful acting that way has made me felt. So bad that it remains in my memory years later. Maybe I don't remember the specific situation (as I would, if I thought of things as A+B=C) but I do remember that acting in that manner sure was regrettable.

The most important thing I've realized is that human beings feel regret for a reason and it shouldn't be ignored. When you hurt somebody you love and you feel regret it's foolish to just chalk it all up to experience and "not do it again". The exact same words or events may not even hurt the same person twice. It's our motives, the driving force behind our actions, and our disregard for others' feelings (whatever they may be at the time) that generally hurt others. Not the actions themselves- which are what commonly take the blame. By feeling low enough in your prior convictions, that you can feel regret, you will be sure to never do 'it' again-whatever it may be.

I have regrets about things I haven't expressed to a single soul. These are the things that haunt me from time to time and probably haunt everyone else too. They are the number one reason I strive to be a better person, and I haven't made any of those mistakes twice. As for living at peace with them, that's a whole 'nother story.